the boys

the boys

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Target trip from hell

I often have people tell me they wish I would blog more often.  I would love to but really I only blog when the situation presents itself as a blog-worthy event.  I know everyone has funny and fun things happening every day but about once a week or once every other week I have an experience or a series of experiences that are so freaking funny the only thing TO do is blog about them.  I don't make it up.  I don't encourage it or coach it along.  I just sit back and watch it happen to me/around me/because of me.  I tell it like it is.  And what it is tonight is hilarious.  I could have prevented some of it if I had my mind right (like my father-in-law tells the boys) or get my brain back (like our daycare provider tells the boys). I did neither of these things.  I was on a mission.  I couldn't be stopped.  But it wasn't pretty.  So here's my story....

My goal was to purchase some fun kid gifts for a few underprivileged boys....which I am doing on behalf of someone else so I don't want to take the credit for all of this :)  This task is right up my ally because a) I have two young boys so it's super easy to find something they will like and b) I am a shopaholic.  I'm the right girl for the mission.

I picked the boys up from daycare and before we left we took a quick potty break before we headed to the store.  Leo peed onto his undies and shorts by peeing under the lid but above the straight through that tiny slot right onto his clothes.  I always ask myself later why I didn't see this disastrous night coming right then and there.  I wiped him off as best as possible with the intention to run home and change his clothes before our shopping trip.  In the time it took me to get to the car and 10 houses down the street to our house I forgot.  Thus  he wore shorts with a pee spot on them the rest of the night.  Every day I see my chances for Mother of the Year slip farther and farther away. 

So to Target we go.  My plan was to buy a few electronic game type things and a few accessories and get out of there.  I know exactly where they are so it should.....SHOULD being the key word.....have been a quick and easy in and out.  It SO WAS NOT!!!

I warned the boys ahead of time that we are buying gifts for kids that don't have toys.  We have lots, they have none or very few, etc, etc.  We are NOT buying toys for us, but we will buy one treat/candy at the register if they are good.  And they were pretty good.  We were able to get all but one of the items at the Target and learned that the other item we needed was at another Target nearby.  Totally doable.  (Totally NOT!). 

We made it all the way to the register without incident.  We actually successfully picked out fun toys for someone other than ourselves without incident.  Big ol' pat on the back!  So they were rewarded with treats.  Fruit snacks for Leo.  Chocolate for Justin.  The kid has never actually had a real full sized candy bar so he was transfixed by the Twix we chose.  Aside from the melted chocolate on his fingers Justin was an absolute angle the whole time!  Couldn't have been more proud of him throughout the next disastrous hour. 

Leo.  Um, not so much.  I let him have about 10 of the fruit snacks and then figured we should stop lest we ruin his dinner.  We are in the check out line.  In fact the girl has already scanned both treats so they could eat them.  Enter:  TOTAL FREAK OUT.  This kid just freaked out.  Bawling and begging for the rest of the fruit snacks.  Let me see if I can paint this picture for you: 

After a day full of daycare and playing outside Leo is filthy. His hands and face are grimy and the tears are just making big dirt stained tears down his face.  He put on bright red Lightening McQueen socks last night before bed and insisted on wearing them to daycare today with his white and blue tennis shoes.  I had a yellow shirt already picked out for him.  So the poor kid is looking a little mismatched as it is and the big fat freak out isn't helping matters. 

So I'm trying to pay.  I was trying to open up a Target debit card for my 5% discount since I was making kind of a large purchase so I'm going through the prompts on the credit card keypad.  For whatever reason, karma probably, it doesn't like me.  When the clerk tries to process the application it gives an error message.  Reflecting back, if I am turned down for a DEBIT card that debits directly from my checking account then it probably means I shouldn't be spending money anyway.  It's like it was in cahoots with my husband to prevent me from spending money....but this wasn't my money anyway.  Remember, I was purchasing these items on behalf of someone else. 

Anywho, the cashier keeps pushing the enter button like 20 times and eventually the whole register shuts down and gives this scary looking error message.  Meanwhile Leo is SCREAMING!  Yup,  this whole time.  So we head to another register to try it again.  Same thing happens.  A different cashier/manager person tries to get it to work with no luck.  By this time I have entered my info on the little key pad about 5 times and it won't work.  Leo continues to cry most of the time alternated with rolling around on the dirty target floor.  Super.  Justin is being ridiculously helpful by trying to distract Leo by playing "we are on a mission" and crawling in and out of the bottom of our cart.  He was thoroughly impressed with himself each time he ended up on the other side of the cart.  Knock yourself out kid!  More crying from Leo. 

I finally just asked Target to give me my 5% discount anyway and let me pay with my own card so I can just get the hell out of there.  Remember I still needed to go to the other Target nearby and purchase the one item they didn't have at this store.  Again, I didn't have my mind right because I thought I could just run in there and do it quickly despite the chaos continuing around me.  So finally they get the stupid card thing to work.  The boys are rewarded for their "patience" with a Target sticker which Leo tries to eat.  I get it.  We haven't had dinner yet, but it's not like he is six months old and puts toys in his mouth!  What the hell is wrong with him?  I know, I know.  It's me.  I needed to just stop what I was doing and feed them dinner.  Hungry boys = cranky boys. 

After almost 25 minutes at the register we are out the door.  Leo asks for fruit snacks again which are denied simply on the principle of it at this point although I know he is hungry.  I can't give into him now after he just screamed in Target for 25 minutes.  (reflection...I should have purchased some other snacks while I stood there in line but I'm just not that smart!)  He asks for gum in the car, he gets it and all is well.  Crying and fits have ceased.  I think we can make our 2nd Target stop.

Silly, silly girl I am.

We hit Target #2 over by Metro North Mall.  As soon as I get the boys out of the car and into the parking lot Leo shouts out of nowhere "MY PEE PEE HURTS!!!" and immediately grabs himself and pushes it down.  What????  Are you kidding me?  So my first thought is that I just don't understand how a 2 year old gets an erection in the Target parking lot (because that's why his pee pee was hurting).  I just don't get it.  I will  never understand how a body part just moves independently of its owner.  My second thought was that this dang 2 year old is getting a hard on by making my life miserable!!!!  I realize that is an inappropriate thought but it is the reality of what I thought.  Some of you are laughing because you've been there.  Others of you have gasped or rolled your eyes at me or if you are like my mother you have pursed your lips together and you are shaking your head.  Whatever.  I stand by my thought that Leo was getting some sort of pleasure in torturing me tonight.  I repeat:  I just don't get it.

We make our way inside and because I am a stupid broad (as someone called me....and my staff... at work today) I forgo the shopping cart.  I  need one thing and one thing only.  I know where it is and I want in and out.  Why, oh why did I not learn my lesson in the first Target?

As we run, well I walked and they ran, towards the toy aisle Leo shouts out that his big toe hurts.  What now?  Are you freaking kidding me? He starts a dramatic limp down the aisle begging me to pick him up.  Why did I not get a cart.  WHHHHYYYYYYYY???????

So I pick up the child and lug him around.  I get the little gadget that I need and head for the front of the store.  Halfway there I realize this particular gadget can only be charged by plugging it into the USB port of a computer....which this underprivileged family DOES NOT HAVE!  I have wasted my trip.  I could have purchased everything at the first Target.  I could just kick myself.  We go back to the toy section (lugging Leo due to new toe injury likely caused by tennis shoes that are too small from last year that he insisted on wearing today) and get a different that WAS available at the first Target. 

Then back to the register.  Something about the register setting reminds Leo he should be throwing a fit.  The crying and flopping on the floor commences again.  We pay quickly this time, thankfully, and we head out the door. 

As we get in the car Leo says "Hey, I stopped crying now mom.  I am ready for my special treat."  Sure.  Here's a bag of fruit snacks.  Eat your heart out.  I'm spent.  And thanks for saving the good behavior for the privacy of our car.  I would hate for anyone to think I have any control over anything outside of my own car or home. 

We make the trip home, cram in some dinner and a quick Batman cartoon and prepare for bed.  I am exhausted and haven't eaten dinner myself at this point so I'm not really a happy camper.  Justin's response to my crankiness:  Mom, maybe if you are cranky you should try to go to bed early. 

Yeah, I'll get right on that.  Thanks, buddy. 


  1. oh my gosh, so funny! sorry your misery is so amusing! the end reminds me of my mom always saying "cranky babies are tired babies..." and usually she meant my dad :)

  2. thanks for the good laugh! You make my days seem normal and not so crazy!! So dinner, then shopping, Right ;)