This is Sew Jeremy

I'm a procrastinator.  There, I said it.  It took me a while to realize it.  Even longer to say it.  Even longer to blog about it.  

I let a whole year go by without sewing any new patches on Justin's Cub Scout uniform.  Now Leo's a Cub Scout therefore doubling my opportunity to be unprepared.  I had to suck it up and get both of their uniforms up to date.  I arranged for my seamstress (yes, I have a seamstress "on staff") to get all of the various little patches in their correct locations. 

Enter: Jeremy.  Ten minutes before the first Pack meeting of the year Jeremy said some very unexpected words.

"Do we have a needle?  I think I can sew." 

WTF???

Yes we have a needle and a tiny sewing kit that I'm pretty sure I got about 10 years ago in some sort of goodie bag at a social work conference.  I've used it approximately three times.  Ok, twice.  Ok, I don't remember if I've ever used it except the few times that I got the miniature scissors out to open the blueberry muffin dry mix bag for breakfast.  Or cookie dough.  I probably used it to open a bag of chocolate chips.  It sure was hell wasn't for sewing. 

Anywho, in his typical "let's not spend any money" mantra, Jeremy wants to sew all of the patches on himself.  In my typical "can't we just pay someone to do this" way of living, I insist on using the handy-dandy seamstress (shout out to Heather!). 

So I directed him to the sewing kit.  If it can even be called a sewing kit.  It's like three of the tiniest spools of thread you have ever seen, one needle, and the aforementioned scissors designed for use on the set of The Littles. 

Sooooooo, he sews.  Here he is making his first attempt at threading a needle.  Followed by "son of a....."

"I had it until I heard the click (of the camera)"

 

Followed by "UGH!!!  I almost had it!" and "We are down to our last needle."  As if I need to run out and buy some more to last us the next ten years of non-sewing. 

 

 

"Yeah, I can do this.  Do you have a thimble?"

"Oh FUCK! I just got my finger!"

 

 

"Ok this is where I get confused" (as he tries to knot it).

Here he is pictured cutting the thread with his teeth as I'm sure his fingers won't fit in the teeny tiny scissors. 

 

 

SWEET SUCCESS!  What a stud!

 

 

How ya like me now?

 

 



JOY

Against all odds, there is so much joy in our life right now.  At the very end of Zachary's burial service when only Jeremy and I were left to linger for just a few moments longer than everyone else, our priest said something that has been nearly life changing.  He told us that Zachary brought JOY even in all of our sorrow.  I believed him and agreed immediately, even as I stood looking at Zachary's tiny casket.  Faith brings joy and our faith is strong.  Our joy is overwhelming. 

So in this time of extreme difficulty, we are finding joy.  I find myself looking for it every day and frequently it finds me.  God is putting joy in my life and putting it right in front of my face.  Here are some examples:

• Despite our extreme sadness the moment Zachary was born we also felt joy.  Joy in meeting our son and in finding out that (shocker) we had another boy!  Joy in seeing his round little O'Brien face just as we had 3 times before.  Joy in giving him a name that honored my grandpa and knowing that now all 4 of our grandpa's names are represented in our boys names.  Joy in having him immediately baptized and knowing that his sweet soul is safe and loved in heaven. Joy even in heartbreaking sadness. 
• My marriage to Jeremy is stronger than ever.  I love him more than the day we were married and I know he feels the same.  We say it to each other.  Joy.  We rocked this tragedy with a togetherness we had never experienced.  We were on the same wavelength at every single step.  That's not true for other challenges we have come across, but it was true for this.  True love.  Joy. 
• I smile every single time I leave my house because I have a beautiful tree (soon to be two) in the yard with a guardian angel sitting beneath it.  Joy. 
• We have seen and heard from friends that we haven't seen in a while.  And it's been wonderful for all of us.  Joy. 
• We are raising an amazing amount of money through donations to Synergy Services for children who either have no home or their home is unsafe or so chaotic that a shelter with caregivers that are strangers to them is a better choice.  Those babies will be rocked in chairs, sleep in beds, and cared for between the walls that are paid for by our family and friends simply because sweet Zachary will never get that opportunity.  Joy for those kids.  They will feel comfort, love, and security that they would not otherwise have without our help.  I have rocked all of my babies and I was able to rock Zachary.  Rocking babies tugs at my heart and these babies will be rocked with love.  Joy. 
• Our kids are learning grief at their own pace.  They are gaining an understanding on what it is to lose someone, even someone they did not know, and still be able to live a life full of joy.  They are learning that its ok for adults to cry and cry hard.  Ugly cry with hacking sobs of grief and there have been many.  They are learning, Leo in particular, that it's also ok not to cry if that's not what your heart feels in the moment.  It's ok to be ok.  It's so ok to feel joy. 

Tonight my joy came from William.  At the burial service we had each of the boys place a Hot Wheel with the casket.  The nursery has always had a Hot Wheels theme and Zachary missed out on all of the Hot Wheel fun.  In typical 2 year old fashion, Will refused to leave his.  He clung to it and did the age old "MIIIINE!" so we let him keep it.  It's a Hot Wheel fire truck and it's been sitting in the car for the last few weeks.  A few days ago he randomly brought it inside and I've told him several times that it's Zachary's fire truck and that he is allowed to play with it.  Will has been clueless to what has happened and only recently realized I'm not pregnant.  Tonight, to my great joy, he put the two things together.  He asked about the baby in my tummy and when I reminded him that the baby is no longer there and the baby's name was Zachary, his eyes lit up.  He ran upstairs to get the fire truck and has held on to it all night.  He is "sleeping" with it now (using the word sleeping loosely because.....he's not!).  He's been walking around saying "Zacccree fire truck" and maybe, just maybe, he has created a memory of his brother that will stick with him.  Joy.  And peace. 

My friend Rachel sent this devotional to me tonight just as I was starting to write this blog.  Joy.  Thank you Jesus for all of the JOY in my life. 
"I continually call you to closeness with Me.  I know the depth and breadth of your need for Me.  I can read the emptiness of your thoughts when they wander away from Me.  I offer rest for your soul, as well as refreshment for your mind and body.  As you increasingly find fulfillment in Me, other pleasures become less important.  Knowing Me intimately is like having a private wellspring of Joy within you.  This spring flows freely from My throne of grace, so your Joy is independent of circumstances.  Waiting in My presence keeps you connected to Me, aware of all that I offer you.  If you feel any deficiency, you need to refocus your attention on Me.  This is how you trust Me in the moments of your life."

Whew!

First of all a super odd thing:  the last blog I posted was exactly a year ago today.  I obviously don't blog much anymore but tonight was blog-worthy and so I'm drawn back to it.  I miss it so much.  I hope to make more time for it again soon.

Our sweet and tiny baby boy, Zachary John, was born two weeks ago.  He was immediately received into Jesus' arms.  It's been a long two weeks.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem real.  Our priest told us at the burial that Zachary brought joy even through our sorrow and it is so true.  We have received amazing support from family and friends.  Two groups in particular have given us very special gifts.  Our daycare family, past and present, have bought us a tree for our yard in memory of Zachary.  We are so excited.  It’s the perfect gift.  Jeremy has always wanted a tree in our side yard and this is the perfect way to honor our baby.  Then today we got a knock on the door.  Another tree, this time from my amazing college buddies.  So now we have two trees, which has always been Jeremy’s plan for the side yard.  Joy in our sorrow. 

My heart aches and my tears overflow as we realize that Zachary will always have a place in the yard where the boys mow with their dad all summer and sled down the hill in the winter.  But that’s not tonight's only story.  The rest of the story is that Jeremy and I put the boys to bed tonight and invited our friends, Ellan and Robert, over to help us figure out where to plant the trees.  Ellan is our daycare provider and a landscaper extraordinaire.  So we chatted inside for a while about which trees we were getting and how far apart to place them.  Then we went outside to place some stakes in the ground to prepare for planting.  That led to chatting and a few tears as we talked about sweet Zachary. 

Then the cops drove by.  Not super common, but ok.  Then they turned around and came back.  And slowed down.  And stopped.  So I walked up the hill to the driveway to see what the officer needed. She said “do you have three small boys?”  My heart stopped.  I swear it did.  I could not handle any more bad news. I couldn’t process why she was asking until I looked back at the house and saw Justin standing at the window on the phone (with 911 dispatch).  The officer told me that they didn’t know where we were and they got scared so they called the police.  I guess we were outside longer than we realized and they got out of bed and couldn’t find us. I yelled for Jeremy to go get them inside.  He says their faces were indescribable when he walked up. 

They came rushing down the driveway where I was still leaning up against the police car trying to gain composure that nothing was wrong with them.  Leo gave me the BIGGEST hug and Justin’s face was ashen.  Will was just chilling on the driveway.  So the story goes that Will wanted out of his room and was banging on his door for us.  The big boys couldn’t figure out why he was being so loud so they came downstairs and realized we weren’t in the house.  They looked outside and could not see us (because we were in the side yard).  Leo said he wanted to go outside and check but Justin wouldn’t let him in case there was something dangerous outside.  So Justin called 911.  LOVE THAT KID!  He wasn’t sure of our address but he knew our street name and the elementary school down the block from us so he was able to lead law enforcement close to us.  Dispatch told him to turn on the TV and just relax because police were on their way to help.  Justin demonstrated how his hands and whole body were shaking as he made the phone call.  It makes my heart hurt and melt to know how scared he was but how he stepped up and took care of his family.  They were so nervous.  Leo talked a mile a minute when we got inside (typical anyway) about how he kept thinking “I hope they didn’t take their phone with them” and how relieved he was when they found my phone.  They did it all exactly right.  They made safe choices.  Whew.  My kids are safe.  Three are safely in their beds and one is safely on Jesus’ lap being rocked to sleep. 

A Mom Named Gwen

Tonight I asked Justin to tell me a story to distract me from itching my bug bites.  As he began telling stories he has the idea that they were going to be a book series.  He named it “The Mom Named Gwen” however he says that they are not about me.  I’m not convinced.  (Then I just read this back to him and he laughed hard and said that it is actually about me.  It is mostly about this family except for the dad part because he is a nice dad and he loves him for it.)

Book 1

Once there was a mom named Gwen.  And she was so nice to her boys that she even got their favorite donuts for breakfast even though they were having a really hard time.  Plus she was also very kind to share money to the poor.  But one day she was mean to her boys.  She was very upset and disappointed.  Then she apologized and even let the boys sleep in her bed.  The End.

Book 2

Once there was a mom named Gwen.  One day the boys threatened their mom.  And then the mom cried and cried while the boys just cleaned up the whole house.  The mom didn’t even look.  Then they said they were sorry and the mom said that is not enough.  She looked at the whole house and there wasn’t even a crumb in site.  She loved the boys and she even scratched their back and let them lay in her bed.  The End.

In reviewing his work, Justin believes that Book 2 is “even more impressive” than Book 1.

Book 3

The Grumpy Dad

Once there was a grumpy dad named John.  He was very mean to his kids.  One day on a sunny morning the dad thought about the way he has been to his children all of his life.  Then one day his heart grew and grew and he was very nice to his children for the rest of his life.  Even though he was still a little grumpy to his kids he always loved him at the bottom of his heart.  And the kids all grew up to be as nice as that dad.  The End. 

A Day In The Life of Will

He's a busy little boy!!!

Just some Saturday morning cleaning

Swingin'



 

Livin' on the edge

 

 

AIRPLANE!!

Cheese!

Will taking pictures of his brothers while they sit in timeout, holding hands until they can say something nice to each other.

Up in their business.  Clearly my technique for time out works!

CHEESE

Kissing his reflection in the dishwasher

 

 

Lunch

 

Sad little boy at naptime

So instead he will play for a bit 

Lovin' his new big boy bed

playing with Justin

Little boy in a big bed

Sweet success

Chillin' with his bros

 it's back to hat time

Supporting Justin as he buried Owen, the beloved turtle

 

French fries for dinner on a Christmas plate

Wearing Justin's shoes

Helping Mommy with laundry in the basement

So sad that his brothers don't want to play with him

Bathtime!

Nakie baby on the run!!

Too lazy to hold the phone to talk

More hats

Probably my favorite picture of the day.

Bedtime stories.  Roll Tide and goodnight!

 

Parenting Fail

I didn't have a bad day.  I just had a weird day.  One of those days where things don't go quite as planned.  I had planned to spend the whole morning turning in some data requirements only to realize that I was a month early.  Better than being a month late and allowed me time to start other things on my long to do list.  Then I had lunch with a good friend and hurried off to my next meeting.  Well, the next meeting was a no-show.  Not only a no show but blamed me for a miscommunication on where we would meet and then refused to reschedule for her internship interview!!!  Guess she can go do her internship somewhere else.  Kinda dodged a bullet there I think.  Once again, not in the plans but allowed for more time on the ol' to-do list.  Next on the schedule was a conference call.  Oops, it was for 3pm Eastern, not Central time so I missed it.  Dang it.  Really needed that info.  Fortunately the people were kind enough to immediately send me the recorded version so I can watch it soon.  I finished my work day cooking with/for a bunch of teenagers at work.  At least that part went off without incident!

But then it was home to the kiddos.  I attempted parenting success by surprising them with a trip to McDonald's PlayLand.  They always beg me and I hate going there.  Fed the big boys dinner and headed home.  Everyone got their bath/shower and jammies on and we were just winding down for the night.

OOOPS!!!  I forgot to feed Will!  I seriously forgot to feed my own child!  Total parenting fail!!! What is wrong with me?!?!?!  I don't feed him McDonald's at his age and I just plain forgot to do anything related to dinner when I got home.  And sweet little Will is so used to just going with the flow that he never even made a peep.  Never asked for food or drink.  He did have a few apples at McDonald's, but still!!  It is 7:10 pm and I totally forgot to feed the little guy. 

So I start berating myself and head to the kitchen telling myself what a horrible mother I am.  I think I said something like "UGH!  I am the worst mother EVER!!!". To which sweet little Justin responded "MOM, you are a great mom.  You were just busy yelling at us."

Oh well don't I just feel a whole lot better.   

Easter, again

Oh Easter.  Why do you do this to me?  Some of you may recall the blog from Easter 2011.  http://sothisismy30s.blogspot.com/2011_04_01_archive.html 

This isn't that bad, but it's so typical for me.  Nothing ever quite goes right.  I am a horrible planner and a huge procrastinator and maybe just maybe (fingers crossed) many other moms are just like me so I won't feel so crappy about myself! 

I don't go all out for any of the holidays.  I don't do it up crazy and expensive.  I'm a simple gal.  Not a lot of fanfare.  I really hope my kids won't be sitting around as adults some day talking about how lame their mother was for every holiday.  Are my insecurities showing too much tonight?  They have been flaring up quite a lot today.  Not my best parenting day or really my best day in general, but that's for another blog on another day.  Actually that's probably a lie as I am not a woe is me kind of writer.  I'm a here's how my woe's are hilarious and can entertain everyone kind of gal.  It's an excellent defense mechanism. 

Tonight is about Easter prep.  My dear, smart, hard-working husband did the Easter basket shopping.  I gave him the list and he got everything on the list for the Easter baskets.  Tonight, while he is hard at work getting thrown up on by a woman who ate strawberry cake, I am here making Easter baskets. 

And now I'm drinking wine.  And eating a brownie.  Because I didn't write on the list for my dear husband to buy candy to actually fill the plastic Easter eggs.  Yup.  It's 10:30 pm and I am home by myself with three sleeping children (thank you Jesus) and the only candy that he bought are dum-dum suckers and fruit snacks.  Neither of which will actually fit in an egg, but do fit nicely in the baskets themselves.  What I wrote on the list was for him to purchase items for the Easter BASKETS.  And he did. 

But I'm a resourceful woman.  I went through all of the cabinets.  Don't think I didn't consider putting some pretzels and grapes in those plastic eggs.  Fortunately I came across this fabulous half-full bag of Christmas candy that was being utilized for the Advent Calendar treats!  YES!!!!  No one cares that the candy is all in red and green wrappers with the occasional holly wreath.  My kids aren't that smart. 

Just in case it hasn't sunk in for you, I just filled my kids Easter eggs with Christmas candy.    I'm keeping it very Catholic.  Christmas.  Easter.  Wine.  Guilt.